Travel tips

Airfare

So you've packed your luggage and booked your taxi to take you to the airport.
The taxi pulls in, and the driver sounds his horn.
You pick up your suitcase and hand luggage and make sure the lights are out. You exit and lock the front door.

In this situation, even though you're well-prepared, there could be an issue if you fly any first world airline.
Consider:

Queueing for check-in could be a disaster. You are in good time, the advised 2 hours before the gate opens.
However ...
- Since shoes need to be removed for inspection, delays are incurred.
- In the highly competitive business of air travel, airlines need to make the money back they lost when you and everybody else bought that discounted ticket. They do this by charging any luggage weighing more than 2.4 grams. This will slow the queue further as outrage and argument stall the queue until airport police sorts it out.
You are now delayed by half an hour and your flight has started boarding at the other end of the terminal. For this reason you sprint for dear life, only to be intercepted by airport police that figure you must be running away from the bomb you planted back in that cafeteria you didn't have enough time to visit.
By the time you board the next flight 12 hours and 3 cavity searches later, they will have taken your tooth-picks, regaine, spare battery and $800 in bribes to keep you off the terrorist watch list.

When flying, you must consider that many laws have been put in place to minimise the risk of you wanting to commit acts of violence you coming to harm on flights. More specifically:

candles
Beer, milk, water
Gel (lip gloss, tooth paste)
Aerosols (deodorant, breath freshener, asthma spray)
Sharp items (sharp nails)
Bad jokes (don't say gun unless you are wearing a parachute)
Fear of flying (after all, who's afraid of dying unless you have a reason to?)

So here are the 3 top tips for when flying to your destination:

1. Don't bring luggage if you can avoid it; this way you won't miss your flight and the luggage fee is likely to exceed the value of your luggage, anyway.

2. Be two hours early for check-in. It is better to relax for 2 hours drinking scotch than it is to be questioned over being in a mild panic.

3. Never smile or crack jokes in an aerodrome, or on a plane. Such is abnormal behaviour and may lead to people treating you with suspicion.

Eating out

So you're travelling and fancy a bite to eat.
You have to do some research on your destination. For example, should your destination be China, you may want to try some dog barbecue.
Also, if going to India, don't ask for the beef burger when the hunger drives you into a diner.
Playing it safe, you will probably ask for "today's special", however tread carefully as doing so in China might alter your appreciation of dogs; in Japan you might get an upset tummy from too much puffer fish - or worse, a bull's testicles when enjoying some Spanish cuisine.

The main tips for dining abroad would be any of the following:

1. Know what you can get away with eating, where you go.

2. if in doubt, DON'T ASK.

3. If on vacation for 2 weeks, why not try being a vegetarian for 2 weeks, just to try it.

Secondary advice that should generally keep you safe:

If your pet rat wouldn't eat it, then maybe you shouldn't, either.
If it moves, only eat it if you can identify it.
If it looks like vomit, it probably is.
If the dish is claimed to have special powers, it's usually a dead animal's genitalia.
If still in doubt after reading the menu 5 times, either leave or have whatever the other guy is having.
The more money you pay for a meal, the more you are expected to tip ... keep this in mind when dining in Sicily.
In some cultures, finishing your plate is a polite way of asking for seconds. In others, not finishing your plate is an insult to a machete wielding chef. Research.
Equally, in some cultures toilet paper is scarce in exchange for abundance of sand. For this reason, you may incur some offence eating with more than one hand. Learn which one.
Beware of places that ask to keep your credit card behind the bar. This is why you always should carry a mobile top-up card.

Other things worth considering

There is of course more to eating that filling your tummy, especially when going to exotic places.
Indeed, many people factor culinary aspects into their chosen destination: Should one wish to explore the rich sensations of Mexican chillies or the tentacular delights of Japanese squid-dishes, then these tips should be completely superfluous.
But wait. Eating can also be rewarding in respects other than nutrition.
Consider these:

Like eating but not paying for the meal? Many locations offer local eating contests; from munching prawn to 5-pound steaks. A small amount of research may yield certifications of prodigious gluttony, sure to inspire awe and respect from your peers at home.
If you're from Colorado or Kansas, the thought of an ocean or even coast might be exotic to you. In this case, if travelling somewhere near ocean, try buying a guided fishing trip.
Trying to lose weight? A simple change of plans could both save you money and get you a step closer to that bikini / surfer body, solong as it is Somalia, Kenya or Ethiopia.

food

Internet

So you bought a new laptop and decided to cause a social revolution with your YouTube account through the spoils of your vacation.
You've planned this for a long time and are ready to embark ...

So, now that you're packed and waiting for your 2 day coach trip, you probably have the following checklist ticked off ...

You know where you are going, but will this place have electricity? You might want to leave it at home if you're visiting Nepal, Antarctica or the Congo.
Going to Pakistan? Better cancel your facebook page.
China is the future. Or certainly where yours will be cancelled if you have a remote appreciation of freedom of speech, or human rights.
Is your laptop new? Is it worth more than what you have in your wallet? Is it insured?
Before going on any cool adventure you will have watched some useful movies to brush up on your worldly knowledge. We're of course talking about Flight of the Phoenix, Passenger 57 and The Cabin

Dangers of the internet

Don't worry, these are usually exaggerated.
Unless you're the threat itself ... but wait, are you really going to a netcafe in Brussels to hack into the CIA database to re-sell a list of secret agent's identities?
Of course not.

But wait. If you're so concerned about internet access when travelling, chances are the internet made you travel.
To be safe, please consider the following:

You know, he / she could have photoshopped that picture. Actually, you can 100% count on that he / she did. After all, you did.
We all know that you are a philanthropic genius with an amazing talent for business. But just before you bribe those Nigerian officials, are your really sure she is a Princess in desperate need for you to alleviate her $2,124,192,173 bank balance? I mean, she probably is. But maybe she isn't. Double-check.
It is also possible that you are a very noble soul finally accepting that this world is in desperate need for Divine Intervention. Your mission counts beyond anything on this earth. However if your liaison is of a Catholic nature, you may want to bring condoms and / or a gun.

Going by coach

So you've decided to go by coach.
First off, this usually works out really good in terms of economy. Per measure of distance, you're looking at a good trade-off between cost and distance.
Now the only issues remaining could be ...

Company: You may control your expenses, but you can't control your company. These could be any kind of passenger, not limited to:
- Winos singing throughout the journey, interrupted only by their frequent vomit sessions on the water closet
- Autistic people, squeeiking some noise every 5 seconds
- religious nuts trying to persuade you to repent your ways
Worth mentioning, the smell of burning rubber caused by the fact the coach being from 1935 and in desperate need of a service could delay the journey.
Unplanned stops due to maintenance - this could increase the journey so be sure this is not a journey on the way to a connecing ferry.
Flat tyre
There is, certainly the possibility of missing your coach altogether ...

Things to consider

Going by coach is certainly an attractive option in terms of price, especially if you book your ticket well in advance.
However, if it is a time-sensitive part of your travel plans, it may be worth considering alternative means of transport, for example imagining.

Tips:

1. Drive the coach yourself.

2. Sleeping pills. Value doesn't apply it when you consider that you'll save cash at the expense of mental terror. Simply take a few pills, sleep for however long it takes and move on.

3. Read a book. Read 13 books. It will not make time pass more quickly however it will make time seem spent in some more useful fashion.

4. Get disgustingly wasted before you board the vehicle. This way you won't notice much of the insoluble drudge that this journey has had in store for you.

5. Bring a pet to keep you happy.

How can I get the best price on a bus ticket? Who is responsible for my luggage? Where are the best bus seats located? ...

Rentals

So you want to drive your own car.
This is a fairly common idea and of course, has lots and tons of advantages!

For starters, you don't need to call taxis to get from A to B.
Furthermore, you can drive whenever you want, to wherever you want!

Practical considerations

The legal driving age depends on the country's laws. Whether or not you have a valid licence won't change your age!
Some places won't have officials that can read your driving licence. consider getting an international drivers licence if you plan on breaking the speed limit.
Also, even though it's generally okay to have a single drink before driving, some places operate a zero-tolerance policy that will have you arrested. Be smart!
When renting a car don't go for the Ferrari unless you really have to! These can rack up serious rental bills (and speeding tickets)!
The same applies to seat-belts and cell phones. Don't end up arrested or forced to ditch your rental car!

The main tips for renting a car would be:

1. DON'T rent the Ferrari.

2. Variable speed cameras that calculate your average speed are very innocuous. Don't risk it(Unless you're driving in France)!

Packing Tips

So you're all packed, and your suitcase is jam packed.
At this stage, it could be worth considering if you made the best use of your suitcase.

For example, have you considered:

Vaccuum-packing? You know, where you put your clothes in a plastic back which you can deflate with a vaccum-cleaner?
Things that are cheaper to buy where you are going, such as food or drink?
Stuff that's likely to break? If packing fragile items, consider using bubblewrap - after all, it's not just fed-ex that can break things in transit.
Packing according to what articles you are most likely to need a lot - to save yourself the trouble of digging around the bottom of your suit-case.
Are you bringing stuff back with you? Maybe more things? Awesome cake could take up more space than you left with.
Should you have to back in an emergency, would you end up leaving half of your stuff behind?

These are things that can become expensive if not taken into account.
When packing, don't put your magazines in the bottom of your luggage!

Top packing tips:

1. Don't pack when in a hurry, or when drunk. You might need a clear memory of what you put in your suitcase, and in which order.

2. The less you pack the less you'll lose. Do you really need that thermal underwear when going to Saudi Arabia?

3. Only pack what you can afford to lose. Assume your luggage is likely to get lost. If valuables (the dog, grandma's ashes) consider travel insurance.

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